No More Spanking, No More Caning, Fun To Be Permitted By License Only

Today the UK banned spanking and caning in pornographic movies produced in the UK. They also banned female ejaculation because they don’t believe it’s a real thing and they think it’s just a sneaky way for women to pee everywhere.*

Pornography in Britain is now to consist of nothing but a fully dressed woman in a lace collar with her hair tied back in a chignon quoting episodes of Downton Abbey. Because that, apparently, is what the world has fucking come to.

I’m not pissed off because it’s sexist. (Which it undoubtedly is.) Or because it impinges on freedom. (Which it does.) I’m pissed off because this is yet another assault on our right to be human at a basic level. I’m so, so, so very very tired of the constant barrage of rules and regulations of things that should never have been up for rule or regulation in the first place. No sooner are we born than we are stripped of half the damn things that make us human in the first place.

Sexuality and its accompanying urges and impulses, as non-missionary and not at all for procreation as they may be should be regulated only to the extent that a consenting partner of sufficient age is involved. That’s it. Those are all the rules we need. Anything more than that is just voyeurism on a governmental level.

The fixation of law makers with getting into the collective pants of a nation and telling them where they are and are not allowed to find satisfaction is in itself a fairly skin crawling phenomenon. It’s a violation of the special relationship between a man or a woman, a camera operator, a lighting technician, a webmaster, and oh, yes, the tens of thousands of people who’d quite like to watch some spanking movies without having to check with Westminster first.

(*They confuse women with incontinent cats – which are also not allowed in pornography.)

BAN RED ZOMBIES

From my WIP, Twilight Cowboy, Book Two:

Red zombies should be outlawed, really they should. All zombies have the power to be dangerous, but red zombies have a reputation for a particularly fearsome disposition – not to mention a ‘lock-jaw’ that means they don’t just bite you and infect you with festering bacteria, they bite you and infect you with festering bacteria and don’t let go. Ever. There are stories of people who have been let go from their jobs after being bitten by a red zombie because the zombie was scaring the customers.

What makes a zombie a red zombie? Some say they have wider heads and bigger jaws than other zombies. Some say they were originally been created by master vampires to fight other zombies. Most people couldn’t pick a red zombie out of a line-up of zombies, cabbage-patch dolls, and cans of tuna, but everybody knows that they are the most dangerous zombies in all the world, and that they should be shot on sight.

(Twilight Cowboy, Book One is here.)

The Sourcerer’s Apprentice | Spanky Magic from Devlin O’Neill

The Sourcerer’s Apprentice represents another step into the world of Neverwasnia, a fantasy realm very much like our own, save for being inhabited by witches and pixies and werewolves and other mythical creatures that make themselves altogether a little too at home in what seems to be an otherwise mundane world.

This tale of magic and spanking from Devlin O’Neill not only distinguishes itself by merit of his fantastic modern fairy tale writing style and brilliant world building, but by containing one of the most interesting top figures in all spankydom in the form of Mother Hibbard – a sourceress to be reckoned with.

But that’s not all! There’s also a temperamental artist with a talent for capturing a girl’s bottom along with her soul, a dastardly doctor with a plan for bringing down Mother Hibbard and all her apprentices and Tabitha, dear, sweet, innocent apprentice Tabitha. What ever shall become of her and her little squirrel familiar?

Hot bottoms, warmed hearts and surprises aplenty lie in store for all those who dare peek inside to find out just what Mother Hibbard has in her cipboard, er, cupboard.

There’s no witches without itches, but this book scratches all of them.

Read a sample chapter and get the book here!

The Government Would Like Your Porn

I woke up this morning to discover that the UK government, boundlessly sick invasive fucks that they are, have decided that the best way to install a ‘Great Firewall’ like China used to get a lot of flak for was to install it under the guise of removing porn – without consulting their citizenry, who, en masse, are some of the most delightfully kinky people in the world.

Britishers will have to apply to their great nanny government and ask to have their pornography unblocked please.

Seriously.

This is a thing that is actually happening.

You couldn’t fucking write this shit.  I just finished reading Alan Moore’s and David Lloyd’s ‘V for Vendetta’ and whilst they were creating a completely totalitarian state post nuclear war with a dear leader deeply in love with the computer that oversees every aspect of civilian lives, even they didn’t manage to imagine a world in which you had to ask for porn.

This is getting fucking ridiculous. Beyond a joke. First they stick their noses into your private life unbidden, then they start rooting around in it because they don’t like what they find there. Then they tell you how you may and may not stimulate  yourself, because why would you settle for controlling a person’s actions when you can get in a great deal deeper and start messing with the way they think?

Just the other day we were waking up to discover that a 29 year old US man had thrown his life away so people could be largely apathetic about the fact that his government (with the assistance of most others, let’s not pretend this is a US issue, because it ain’t) have been storing every single dirty and non-dirty email you and I sent in the last 5 to 10 years for future reading.

Thirty years ago, there was no internet pornography. Dirty magazines were bought and sold, left in the woods for others to find, shared among friends. How fucking ridiculous it is that those magazines might soon represent a new vista of freedom, because unlike electronic communications, which governments have unilaterally declared to be theirs to search through as they please, you can’t hack a piece of paper. You can’t trace its every movement through the meatspace.

The only solace I can take this morning is that, in spite of everything, people are still greater than governments. And freedom, the impulse to explore, the need to feel as if one’s choices are ones own, isn’t just a human right, it’s hardwired into us as a species. We are an animal that started on a nigh empty planet with a few rocks and look around you now. Look what human ingenuity in all its glory and all its folly has created. So wherever there is oppression we will find a new way, and if corporate and government powers insist on crushing the throat of the Internet with spying and censoring, then eventually they will be left with nothing but an empty marketplace. With their insidious creeping and peeking and spying and prying they’re trying to control the uncontrollable and tame that which has never and can never be tamed.

They will ultimately fail, but that doesn’t mean they won’t make our lives fairly miserable in the process.

If you’re a Britisher yourself, here’s a petition that may help. 

The Girl From A.S.S

It’s been so long since I blogged here that I forgot my password. It was replaced with a recipe for lemon chicken, which, whilst delicious, does not much help in the process of accessing the site. I am blogging now, because I have news of a kind and a sort. There are new things happening, which should surprise nobody, because new things happen all the time. In fact, new things are happening so often these days that it is possible to feel a sense of gentle nostalgia for last Tuesday without the faintest sense of irony. But I digress. Or regress. I definitely gress anyway.

As I was saying, there are new things emerging from my brain. Three new things that might be of interest to you are:

1. My new series tentatively titled ‘Raine’s Bodyguard’ which is running at Bethany’s Woodshed. If a story about a precocious and charming teen pop sensation and the stern bodyguard who spanks her appeals, you can read the first chapter free here.

2. In other news, fans of the Military Discipline series might be happy to know that a third book is scheduled to begin later this year. The adventures of mathematical savant and casual drunk Zora Matthews and her military handler Captain Savage, are set to continue.

3. I have a shorter story on the way, tastefully titled ‘The Girl From A.S.S’. Here’s a cover.

This story is set to be a spanking story for spanking enthusiasts and follows the fortunes of a young lady doing her best to avoid the disciplinary regime at her place of work, a regieme that includes, you guessed it, spankings. Devlin O’Neill is helping with some editing on this tale and has almost broken me of the habit of splicing commas. Almost.

And that’s it for the moment.