Spanking Cameron

“I just wanted to block the porn,” he said, backing away from Nanny State, his pale clammy hands held high in supplication.

“I only wanted to contract a foreign company to filter all British internet communications, blocking porn and nasty violent things and ‘esoteric content‘ that might interfere with our citizen’s understandings of How Things Are All Proper And Fine,” he explained mechanically, reading from the auto-cue in the corner of his bedroom. He loved the auto-cue in the corner of his bedroom. When he got confused and didn’t know what things to think, it would tell him.

It had told him a great many interesting things over the months and the years. He couldn’t remember all of them, but that didn’t matter. There was always something new on the auto-cue. Something new and interesting to say.

Nanny State whacked the flat of the rubber slipper against her palm and beckoned naughty Cameron. He ran a hand through his thinning hair. It had escaped from its minor bouffant as his sweat degraded the bonds of the product and was now flailing atop his head like a pack of illicit protesters.

“Really, Nanny, really,” he bleated. “Have you seen the news of the Royal bi…No! Nanny! No!” She was reaching for him with her big five-eyed hand. The ocular orbs sat on the end of her fingertips, blinking at him with unnatural lashes. Nanny saw all. And thanks to the ears on her knees and elbows, she heard all too.

“I’ve seen your Internet history,” Nanny State boomed. “Filth! Vile filth!”

“But… but… Nanny…” Cameron took up residence under the bed, his pale blue beady eyes peering out at the great clay colored feet of Ms State. “You can’t slipper me, I’m a grown man! I’m an adult.”

“There are no adults anymore,” Nanny State informed him crisply. “Not in the way there used to be. Now there are only people who listen to Nanny and are rewarded with crisps and canned meat, and those who do not. And we know what happens to them, don’t we?”

His heart pounding, Cameron cast a desperate glance toward the auto-cue. Old cuey always got him out of trouble. It always new the precise right thing to say. It did not fail him.


“Yes, Nanny,” he said, reading the words aloud.


“Please spank me, Nanny… No!!!”

He cried out in horror as Nanny State reached down, fastened her firm fingers on his lobe and drew him out from his hiding spot. Helpless against the momentum of the great lady, he was drawn over the ridges and valleys of her green and usually pleasant green lap.

The slipper rose into the air  and consequently fell, propelled by Nanny State’s far reaching arm. It landed square against his upturned cheeks where the shiny gray material of his trousers was pulled tight against the loose mounds that passed for a posterior.

He wailed as the effect’s of Nanny’s authoritarian policy were manifested in a great rushing burn that saturated his buttocks and left him bucking and crying against her ample body. Tears of regret fell on soon to be soggy carpet as the whacking and slapping echoed around the room.

Desperate for solace, he looked toward the auto-cue. Surely there was something he could say. Surely there was something he could do.

A cry of despair erupted from his throat as he laid eyes on the auto-cue’s gently glowing screen, where the image of a crown was displayed and, underneath it, the words:


“Content prohibited!” He cried. But it made no sense. For the auto-cue had censored itself, leaving him without word or thought in a world of punitive action he did not understand, but was fairly certain he did not deserve.

The Government Would Like Your Porn

I woke up this morning to discover that the UK government, boundlessly sick invasive fucks that they are, have decided that the best way to install a ‘Great Firewall’ like China used to get a lot of flak for was to install it under the guise of removing porn – without consulting their citizenry, who, en masse, are some of the most delightfully kinky people in the world.

Britishers will have to apply to their great nanny government and ask to have their pornography unblocked please.


This is a thing that is actually happening.

You couldn’t fucking write this shit.  I just finished reading Alan Moore’s and David Lloyd’s ‘V for Vendetta’ and whilst they were creating a completely totalitarian state post nuclear war with a dear leader deeply in love with the computer that oversees every aspect of civilian lives, even they didn’t manage to imagine a world in which you had to ask for porn.

This is getting fucking ridiculous. Beyond a joke. First they stick their noses into your private life unbidden, then they start rooting around in it because they don’t like what they find there. Then they tell you how you may and may not stimulate  yourself, because why would you settle for controlling a person’s actions when you can get in a great deal deeper and start messing with the way they think?

Just the other day we were waking up to discover that a 29 year old US man had thrown his life away so people could be largely apathetic about the fact that his government (with the assistance of most others, let’s not pretend this is a US issue, because it ain’t) have been storing every single dirty and non-dirty email you and I sent in the last 5 to 10 years for future reading.

Thirty years ago, there was no internet pornography. Dirty magazines were bought and sold, left in the woods for others to find, shared among friends. How fucking ridiculous it is that those magazines might soon represent a new vista of freedom, because unlike electronic communications, which governments have unilaterally declared to be theirs to search through as they please, you can’t hack a piece of paper. You can’t trace its every movement through the meatspace.

The only solace I can take this morning is that, in spite of everything, people are still greater than governments. And freedom, the impulse to explore, the need to feel as if one’s choices are ones own, isn’t just a human right, it’s hardwired into us as a species. We are an animal that started on a nigh empty planet with a few rocks and look around you now. Look what human ingenuity in all its glory and all its folly has created. So wherever there is oppression we will find a new way, and if corporate and government powers insist on crushing the throat of the Internet with spying and censoring, then eventually they will be left with nothing but an empty marketplace. With their insidious creeping and peeking and spying and prying they’re trying to control the uncontrollable and tame that which has never and can never be tamed.

They will ultimately fail, but that doesn’t mean they won’t make our lives fairly miserable in the process.

If you’re a Britisher yourself, here’s a petition that may help.